Elephant Journal has done it again! A Letter To My Lover While We're Fighting, by Summer Engman.
I used to be a doormat, thinking that unconditional love meant silently bearing the brunt of the other's imperfections.
Talk down to me? Yeah it was my fault & I deserve it.
Steal my shit & play innocent? It wasn't a nice experience but meh, water under the bridge.
Sleep with an ex & not own up to it? Nevermind, we all make mistakes.
Hell to the no, mofos. I'm getting pissed off at my younger self just thinking about all this.
& sometimes (some times!) I feel bad for putting my Favourite Human through so much hardship, because I feel like I should accept him for whatever he is & whatever he chooses to do. But at the same time there is a voice inside of me screaming, 'No, woman! Not this time! This human's so much better than this! He can do so much better than this! You deserve better than this!'; & all hell breaks loose. & he really does behave himself...well, for the most part, bahahahahah just kidding, but then I'm not perfect either!
As much as I hate-but-love to admit it (don't tell him though, because he also loves boasting that he's a good catch, bahahahah!), I hit the jackpot this time. & I'm not being the hopeless romantic, head in the clouds person I once thought I was. Well, I still am, but not that much anymore.
Someone once told me, before you marry a person, you should be able to name three things you like about that person, off the top of your head. It doesn't matter what they are, as long as those three things just shoot out of your mouth like, *pew pew pew* (laser beams).
I took that concept & broadened it to included everyone in my inner circle (still working on that outer circle though, sorry but I'm a meanie beanie recluse like that, :P), & it really does change the way you look at a person when you actively incorporate this practice. Especially when someone is getting on your nerves & you start thinking, 'Fuck this shit, Imma get my cat to dig out their eyeballs when they're sleeping!'. You start to balance out those negative emotions & bring everything to a better (not perfect, mind you!) perspective.
So what does a girl do when she finds someone about who she can spew out, on the spot, > 3 things she loves about? I'm not even sure that sentence structure is correct! Bahahahah!
It hits a raw nerve when certain events that bring back bad memories happen. Especially if those events hurt us deeply. & we all have out triggers, sometimes we don't even realize we're being triggered until we're out of ammo & there's blood splattered all over the walls. Seriously! As much as I would love to be in my yogi state of mind 24/7/365, I do get lost in my emotions from time to time too!
Half the time it doesn't have anything to do with the other person's behaviour, & the trigger-happy one is like, 'rat-tat-tat-tat-tat' with their big ass machine gun while the other is hiding behind a larger-than-life Asian frying wok wondering 'What the fuck! What did I do???'
After the melee, once all battle-wounds have been healed, & hopefully those nasty bloody seeds removed; everything seems so childish & irrelevant. One understands the needlessness of it all.
'I have no control over your thoughts & behaviour, the only control I have is over my thoughts & my behaviour. Whatever position I am in in life, is a result of my actions & my choices. I offer you my love, regardless of what you give me in return. Unless it's 120% certified raccoon shit. In which case, I shall need to practice self-love. Because we both do not deserve anything other than our best.'
For real though, peoples. I've found out that making mistakes is actually a-okey. It shows that we are trying to do something, that we are evolving. But to not be able to humble oneself, or worse still, to not be able to admit to a mistake, demeans not only that person's greatness, but also their partner's; & that results in both people being held back from achieving the best versions of themselves - as individuals, & as a couple.
Sometimes, rough times are a necessary evil. 'A calm sea does not a sailor make.' The important thing is how we handle those rough times, what we learn from them, & that we do our best to never make the same mistake twice.
I once posted:
The joy of loving & being loved.
To find someone who resonates with you is tough enough.
To find someone who resonates with you & thinks the same as you is tougher.
To find someone who resonates with you, thinks the same as you, loves the same as you, and loves you back? What are the odds?
I am truly blessed.
Yes, peoples. It is true what they say: God (or if you insist on being hippie-whippie, The Universe) has grabbed both of your hands & joined them together, always be grateful. But never take anything for granted. Things can be taken away from you just as quickly as they were given to you. A mature relationship is never stagnant. Both keep growing, as individuals, & as a team. & for a team to win the game, there needs to be teamwork. The players need to constantly huddle up, revise their game plan & get back out there & kick ass. If he/she is worth it, he/she will be worth the effort. Ain't bat shit gonn be handed to you on a silver platter all the time. The Universe is full of gifts for you. But it is up to you what you do with those gifts.
1. I love his smile.
2. I love his wicked sense of humour.
3. I love his artistic genius. (To the point of bloody jealousy, actually, new blog post coming up, bahahahah!)
4. I love his sleeping face.
5. I love his grounded, yang energy.
6. I love his optimistic views.
7. I love his tattoos.
8. I love his passion for life.
9. I love his love for animals & all living beings.
10. I love that he takes care of his body.
11. I love that he is in touch with his spiritual side.
12. I love that he too can be a bitch at times.
13. I love his honesty.
14. I love his random craziness.
15. I love that he has done time at enough food outlets that he knows all the best recipes & how to recreate them, so I will be able to live the life of a tai tai without ever having to step foot into the kitchen. 'Honehhh, Imma hungrehhh! Get yo ass into dat kitchen, pronto!' *cracks horse whip*
Just kidding with that last one.
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