This song I've just discovered from the musical Miss Saigon:
& because I couldn't make up my mind about which song to choose:
The reason I'm borderline obsessed with Elephant Journal is because there are
always articles that I deeply resonate with, for example this one:
I do not know when exactly in my life I realized I have the ability to see people for who they are, instead of who they portray themselves to be.
All I know is that this annoys the shit out of me (not literally though, because if it did, I'd have to wear diapers all the time, & constipation wouldn't ever be a problem, bahahahahah!) when others can't see it for themselves. It doesn't happen a lot though, & especially not when I try to force it.
I did write about this subject a few months ago.
I feel like this time though, I have to stress that although I 'see', it does not mean I myself don't have my own bullshit & layers of garbage to sift through. In fact, I have issues that even I myself cannot comprehend at times.
& up to this year, I'd been drifting around, carrying this burden by myself. I realize now, it was a burden. Before, I always thought it was one of my purposes in life to uplift people, yet to remain unsupported, unnourished by anyone else; to be strong & figure things out by myself. Even those who attempted to get through to me, did not fully succeed. It wasn't anyone's fault; it's just that those who tried were not on the same frequency as I was. They saw an image of who they
thought I was, instead of who I truly am.
Now I am truly blessed to have someone who sees me the way I've been seeing others. The way I see him. Even in the early stages of our relationship, I thanked him for allowing me the experience of being on the receiving end for the first time in my life.
& man, Imma tell you, to have someone see right through your shit, to know that 'yes, there
is someone who gets me'; phwoar, that is one of
the greatest. feelings. in. the. world. It was one of those 'if I died tonight, I die happy' moments. Dramatic, no? Not really. Not if for the past 30 years you've been telling yourself that it has been & will always be you & yourself against the world.
More often than not, seeing through someone's layers requires great courage, strength & patience. To understand the deep-seated reason behind a person's behaviour, & help them work to the core of it, to dig those seeds up & throw them out with the garbage; it's never an easy task.
It is natural for anyone to get extremely disturbed whenever we are confronted with our deepest fears. As Robert Frost perfectly put it:
The only way out is through.
I always understood this concept of subconscious behaviours in my mind, but didn't know how to put it in words, until I attended Vipassana meditation earlier this year. From the time we are born, seeds are being planted in our subconscious mind, whether we like it or not. There are negative & positive seeds. & as time goes on, these seeds manifest themselves in our conscious - in our thinking, our behaviour; our relationships with ourselves & others. So it would make sense to remove these seeds instead of constantly having to chop down trees or pull out overgrown weeds.
Aha! But there is a catch! Because these seeds are so deeply ingrained in us, there is a heckuva lot of digging to be done before we can uncover & remove them. & as any seasoned gardener can tell you, digging requires a lot of hard work, & can sometimes be an unpleasant experience.
& you can never tell what sort of bullshit will be thrown around when all that seed-digging is taking place: find a dried-up piece of dog poop, fling it over ya shoulder. Lord knows which unfortunate soul it would end up hitting. Sometimes, even the person who is helping us dig gets thrown stuff! & even more unfortunately, it is that very same person who gets hit the hardest because they are, figuratively speaking, the one who is in closest proximity to us! Decapitated rat the cat brought in? Eugh, get rid of it! *boom* Hits our accomplice smack in the face.
Accomplice. I like that term. Hahahahah!
So yeah. The accomplice is always someone who truly loves the digger (for lack of better word, bahahahah!), & who has total faith that the digger will be able to uncover those seeds & rid them from his/her life, once & for all. The accomplice knows that their beloved needs support, strength & acceptance in order to complete the task. That being said, it also takes strength & courage on the digger's part to work diligently & to at times be vulnerable in the presence of the accomplice.
Heck, who the hell am I kidding. It takes a whole bloody lot of effort from
both parties to reach that gotdang seed.
For the record, I'm not saying that you should stay in an abusive relationship because 'I'm helping him/her uncover her deep-rooted issues'.
NO!
The kind of relationship I'm talking about here is one where both souls are on the same frequency, or where one or both are ready to be raised to the next level. There is an unspoken mutual understanding that both will grow together. Some might call this the Twin Flame phenomenon. There are many, many more aspects to the Twin Flame phenomenon, 'cooperative seed-digging' being just one of them.
'Your partner is the mirror to your soul', & with the Twin Flames, even when one realizes that the other's behaviour is non-reflective of oneself, he/she is firmly-rooted & grounded enough to remain steady in the midst of the other's storms. Both parties know that even this too, shall pass. Most importantly, both are aware about the need to work out their own inner bullshit or help the other out, whichever is required at any given time.
Another thing is, the accomplice can never fast-forward the digger's progress. I myself experienced this, when I was being a bitch for more than a week to The Other Half, so much so that we broke up. The very next evening, it hit me in the third eye like a tonne of bricks that I'd been replaying my old thought & behavioural patterns. Despite what I was convinced of all that time, he was not fully to blame for all our arguments.
I'm just glad that he understands, & was willing to give us another try. I don't want to push my luck too far though. One of my many over-used mantras is: '
You are free to do as you choose, but you are not free from the consequences of those actions'. I doubt having decapitated rat carcasses thrown at you all the time is a fun experience, & I don't want him to drown under dead rodent bodies! If anything, he is such a beautiful person & I always feel bad for pulling him into my excavation site.
Being on the receiving end is also a very scary position to be in (no sexual puns intended...or are there..? *evil grin*), because for the first time in my life I am completely vulnerable. First of all, it is scary. Secondly, it is embarassing. My ego goes on autopilot. I can literally hear my ego rallying outrageously between my ears: 'All these years, I've always been the accomplice!', 'I don't need anyone to help me dig up my seeds!', 'I know where my seeds are, I can handle my own digging!'
That goddamn ego & false-self.
I am thankful that besides being my seed-digging accomplice, he also recognizes, acknowledges & encourages my strong points, even when I myself forget.
I am thankful that my accomplice knows when to push me to do better, & when to shut up (something I am still struggling to master!).
I am thankful to be blessed with the presence of my beloved.
We all come into this world alone, & we leave alone. But it definitely makes the ride so much better when you have someone riding with you.