'How Do You Know?'

Lana Del Ray - Young & Beautiful.

We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

- Sam Keen -

Today is my last day in Malaysia before I fly of to Rishikesh for one month. You asked me, 'Do you love me? How do you know?'

I know because of the way my heart jumps when your name pops up at the top of my screen.

I know because you are always in the back of my mind, no matter the time, no matter the activity.

I know because you're the first person I want to tell when something good or bad happens.

I know by the amount of hurt I feel when we are not on speaking terms.

I know because of the way it doesn't hurt when we are not on speaking terms.

I know by the way your words, your actions, your body language - your energy - makes me feel.

I know because we've seen us through this far.

Eight months in a long distance relationship, where we have never met each other in real life - now that's something for you! Bahahahahah! One of us could either be a professional scammer. Or a super big day-dreamer. Or it may just be that we are both out of our mind crazy. :P

Or could it be that we are really just naively trusting in the universe, in each other, & ourselves?

I don't know. The truth is, it took me quite some time to come up with those reasons 'I know because yadda yadda yadda'. I don't know why I love you. Every reason could be shot down by some contradictory fact of life or another.

The thing is, I know that I want you in my life. What we have is so special. It would be foolish to not explore this further, to let it wither down into just another future 'what if'.

Tomorrow is never promised, what I can promise is that you have my love, my heart, my soul; in this moment. :) <3

Honestly.

Tell me honestly.

Sick.

Being sick sucks. It makes me miss my Feveret Human even more. :'(

No song today. Can't think of one.

Speak Softly, My Love.

Passenger - Whispers.

Funny how everything fell into place barely two weeks after I hit rock bottom.

Funny how you need to allow yourself to receive the love you deserve, in order to receive it.

Funny how you, & that right person, were growing, separately yet in the same direction; so that when the time is right, your paths meet & merge into one.

This song speaks to me on so many levels. The lyrics are so profound. I've never broke my mobile phone, been drunk as hell & dancing on my own at 3 am, etc. but there were times when that's exactly what it felt like on a spiritual & emotional level.

Well I've got open eyes

And an open door

But I don't know what I'm searching for

I should know by now

Well I've a big old heart

This I know for sure

But I don't know what my love is for

I should know by now

Well I wait in line

So I can wait some more

'Til I can't remember what I came here for

But I can't leave now

'Cause I've a light that shines

And a love so pure

But I don't know what to use them for

I should know by now

Well I spent my money, I lost my friends, I broke my mobile phone

3 a.m. and I'm drunk as hell, and I'm dancing on my own

Taxi-cabs ain't stopping, and I don't know my way home

Well it's hard to find a reason, when all you have is doubts

Hard to see inside yourself when can't see your way out

Hard to find an answer when the question won't come out

Everyone's filling me up with noise, I don't know what they're talking about

Everyone's filling me up with noise, I don't know what they're talking about

Everyone's filling me up with noise, I don't know what they're talking about

You see all I need's a whisper in a world that only shouts

Sometimes you get lost inside of yourself, even if you yourself don't realize it at that time. All these questions & doubts inside of you; blindly going with the flow, maybe knowing but not understanding certain things.

& it's strange how you can hear the voices of a thousand people, some may even be shouting at the top of their lungs, yet nothing sinks in; until you meet that one special person who touches the depth of you with just a soft whisper.

The right messenger, with the right message. Sweet serendipity.

A Girl & Her Trinket Box.

Passenger - Heart's On Fire.

I've been contemplating changing Feveret Human's name on my phone from his last to first name, but it still makes me so soft every time I think about it. Heh. Interesting.

I wonder when, if ever, I will get over this. I must really adore this person.

It's like I have to actively create a barrier between myself & this feeling I have for Gobuyan because I can't afford to keep melting in public all the time, bahahahahah!

This feeling is like a tiny sprite I keep in a trinket box; a sprite about 3 inches high that shimmers soft pink, blue & gold light. It does not have a physical body per se, it is a being of light. It needs to be safe-guarded & only brought out during certain times. Some forms of love are very private things, not meant to be shared outside of a relationship. & in that context, some forms of love cannot even be shared with the object of affection itself, because no words exist which can sufficiently describe it; therefore any word used only serves to devalue the feeling.

I open the trinket box, gently pick the sprite up on the palm of my hand & bring my face down closer to my palm to examine it. Its colours are magnificent - the lights & pixie-dust-like shimmer coalescing in gentle waves from bottom to top. It radiates a soft, high-pitched note; constant, yet barely-audible to the human ear. It is an E note, one octave higher than the regular E (for lack of musical terminology knowledge). It does not touch my palm, nor any other surface for that matter. Rather, it hovers a few millimeters above them.

Slowly, slowly tilt my palm until it slides down back into its trinket box. It does not resent being kept in a small, dark, confined area. It just is, all the time. It just goes on radiating, regardless of its circumstances, environment or situation.

I've never had a sprite before.

My Prehshuhssssssss........

James Bay - Hold Back The River.

You can never stay mad at someone when you remember the fact that anything & anyone can be taken away from us at any given moment.

Each moment is a gift, just like each breath we take.

Every moment spent not nourishing your relationship is a moment wasted.

Be grateful for your special connection. Not everybody is blessed with the opportunity to experience something as wonderful as you have.

Be grateful. More importantly, act grateful.

Show your gratefulness. It is not enough to just think gratitude. Appreciation must also be expressed through your words & through your actions.

No one is perfect.

But every once in a while, the Universe brings together two people, both with their own imperfections, who are perfect for each other.

Now is that ain't no goddamn miracle, I don't know what is! Bahahahahah!

Presence > Presents.

Hozier - Real People.

When two people are physically apart, every moment spent together is that much more precious.

'Your time is the most valuable gift you can give. For when you give of your time, you are giving a piece of your life that cannot be returned.'

I spent the past weekend stalking (quick, call the po pos!) my Feveret Human. It may seem a tad obsessive, but most of the time I enjoy being woken up by his Skype calls in the middle of the night. That is partially because my previous working hours used to be strange & short, & because I am currently working even less hours than I used to, bahahahahah! Or else I would probably be like, 'Feck, honeh! I needs ma beauty sleep!' :P

Being able to actually see the other person is so important, as I realized after we had to go more than a week without video calls a few months ago. Technology is a godsend, & though it can never replace actual human presence, it also means that one doesn't really have any excuse anymore to not put in the necessary effort needed to keep a relationship alive. The written word is an effective means of communication, but at the same, well-meaning intentions can be misconstrued through that medium as well. & to see the expressions on the other person's face adds a whole other dimension to an interaction.

So it's some twisted form of enjoyment I have in me that I enjoy being woken up in the middle of the night to talk to my Feveret Human. & after all this while, it sometimes still feels surreal when the sun is shining on his side of the world when it is pitch black over here, or vice versa.

It is also a lucky coincidence that we both enjoy doing solitary indoor activities, for example reading & writing, which can also be done in the presence of another. & I have always appreciated that look on a person's face when someone is doing something they are really passionate about. There's just something about their whole aura that changes, they become so magnetizing. Mphk!

& when you're with the person you love, even the mundane things become magical. Just their mere presence changes the whole experience.

Call me a big baby but I also love falling asleep with him on the other end of the line, struggling to keep my eyes open but eventually having to succumb to the lure of Lalaland. His face, his voice, even his snoring, is comforting. Sometimes I even ask for a bedtime story. Geez, sounds so scary lah. Am I really turning in to an obsessed stalker??? LMAO!

Am I over-sharing here??? Okey, Imma stop.

Time apart is of course a necessary 'evil' in any healthy relationship. But the true magic of a relationship happens when both individuals come together to share & grow in unison. When two people can speak openly & without fear of judgement about their fears, their hopes, & aspirations for the future. To share & discuss new ideas or perspectives they have learnt during their individual travels.

& it's been a long time since we've spent this much time together in a day. Mostly because of his working hours, but also because we both have our own personal pursuits that cannot be shared at the moment due to our physical locations.

I can barely contain my excitement thinking of doing all the things we will do together. Simple things like going to the movies, going to the gym together, trying out a new activity together; the list goes on. Will we eventually tire of each other though? Meh. I doubt so.

For now, I am content with whatever time we have for each other. We both know we need to work on ourselves in order to make this relationship a successful one. Yet we both also know & try our best to prioritize the other, in any situation. Excuses are just the same as saying 'I don't want to'. With the advent of technology, all it takes is a simple message - & there are millions of messaging apps & services which are available 24/7 - to reach out to someone.

A long distance relationship definitely requires much more attention & effort, in different ways that a normal relationship does. You don't have the luxury of coming home to each other at the end of a hard day; & minus the physical closeness, differences have to be brought out into the open & really resolved as opposed to sweeping them under the carpet with physical intimacy. You may also have to steal bits & pieces of time in between social activities to connect to your loved one, but this would seem a small price to pay.

But once you've found the right person, it will be worth every ounce of effort you put in.

Presence definitely > Presents.

But presents every once in a while are nice too. *wink wink* Heee... :P :P :P


I had a lovely weekend. Thank you, Feveret Human. xoxo

Dreams & Reality.

Ed Sheeran - Give Me Love.

A relationship can never be reduced to a piece of paper, nor man-made laws. It isn't even a contract between two hearts - for by using the term 'contract', there is implication that terms & conditions follow.

Why should attitudes, behaviours, 'responsibilities', depend on a relationship status? To me, a relationship is always a full-on thing. One can (& should!) never depend on external influences to dictate the way they behave towards their significant other.

Important Note: By saying 'relationship status' I mean in general terms, in which both parties mutually agree on - are we dating, married, separated, etc. You should never have to deal with not knowing where you stand in a relationship, & I've learnt through past experience that you should never stand for someone who goes to extremes to hide your relationship status.

Aaanyways. Few weeks earlier, I was having yet another one of my famous analysis paralysis moments. & I had a dream; in that dream someone told me:

'You've been doing things the same way all along; has this way been serving you? So that means this time you need to do something different, right? Someone who cares for you will always want to help you out when you are in need of it. If you haven't eaten, if you are in shit, can the other person be at ease? No! They will always ask if there are ways in which they can ease your burden! Your happiness is their happiness, therefore your pain is their pain.'

Yet I still somehow grown to realize that the reality is that the usual rules don't always apply in a long-distance relationship. Especially in one where both parties have never met each other. Bahahahahah, come to think of it, are we both mad or what??? Hahahahah!

Of course one could argue that if you can't be completely upfront/honest/yourself in a long-distance relationship, then you're wasting your time. I can't say that  I agree or disagree with that. I think that it depends on how well a couple communicate, what their intentions are, & whether they are on more or less the same mental and emotional level or not. A relationship is always about give & take. & who can say what amount of give & what amount of take is reasonable for a couple? These are all variables that are up to the couple themselves to work out & find common ground.

I used to be proud for never depending on a partner. I always had my own job, my own money, my own shiz. I never asked for things, unless it was the obligatory birthday or Christmas gift. I viewed asking for material/monetary help a sign of weakness & dependency. I did not want to be a burden. Unfortunately this type of behaviour, taken to the extreme, can be self-defeating. 

I have had friends who told me, a girl has to make demands or else our partners will get 'too comfortable'. We have to play the game right in order to keep them in 'hunter mode' - if the prey is too easily achievable, they will eventually get bored & look for other prey. WTF??? Ain't nobody got time fo dat, girl!

Seriously! If someone really gives a shit, wouldn't everything else naturally fall in place? When there is love, there will be respect, honesty, care & trust. Who got time to play all this 'hunter-prey' games woh. You think Hunger Games ah???

Aha! But wait! Got second part of the dream also oh!

'Don't be afraid to ask for help. But at the same time, remember - don't do things that further burden your partner. & you must up your game so that you will not fall as hard again in the future (thus needing help again). Always remember to care for your partner the same way he cares for you, & pull your own weight in the relationship. The both of you must help each other out. Always.'

I take back my words. In a way, not asking for help in times of need (the 'I-gots-it' attitude) is a good thing. You get to know who really cares for you, & who is just paying you lip service - cakap tak serupa bikin (basically means 'not walking the talk', or 'all talk & no action'). There will be people who will take you for granted if you keep playing 'tough guy'. But there will also be people who genuinely care for you & will insist on helping you out although you try to play 'tough guy'. Does that even make sense. Meh. You get the idea, ;)

Our generation fails at relationships because we go into them with the 'how can I benefit?' attitude instead of the 'how can I serve this person' attitude.

- Sylvester McNutt -

Who said only Gobuyan has awesome dreams??? *evil laugh*

Part Of The List.

Ingrid Michaelson - The Way I Am.

Elephant Journal has done it again! A Letter To My Lover While We're Fighting, by Summer Engman.

I used to be a doormat, thinking that unconditional love meant silently bearing the brunt of the other's imperfections.
Talk down to me? Yeah it was my fault & I deserve it.
Steal my shit & play innocent? It wasn't a nice experience but meh, water under the bridge.
Sleep with an ex & not own up to it? Nevermind, we all make mistakes.

Hell to the no, mofos. I'm getting pissed off at my younger self just thinking about all this.

& sometimes (some times!) I feel bad for putting my Favourite Human through so much hardship, because I feel like I should accept him for whatever he is & whatever he chooses to do. But at the same time there is a voice inside of me screaming, 'No, woman! Not this time! This human's so much better than this! He can do so much better than this! You deserve better than this!'; & all hell breaks loose. & he really does behave himself...well, for the most part, bahahahahah just kidding, but then I'm not perfect either!

As much as I hate-but-love to admit it (don't tell him though, because he also loves boasting that he's a good catch, bahahahah!), I hit the jackpot this time. & I'm not being the hopeless romantic, head in the clouds person I once thought I was. Well, I still am, but not that much anymore.

Someone once told me, before you marry a person, you should be able to name three things you like about that person, off the top of your head. It doesn't matter what they are, as long as those three things just shoot out of your mouth like, *pew pew pew* (laser beams).

I took that concept & broadened it to included everyone in my inner circle (still working on that outer circle though, sorry but I'm a meanie beanie recluse like that, :P), & it really does change the way you look at a person when you actively incorporate this practice. Especially when someone is getting on your nerves & you start thinking, 'Fuck this shit, Imma get my cat to dig out their eyeballs when they're sleeping!'. You start to balance out those negative emotions & bring everything to a better (not perfect, mind you!) perspective.

So what does a girl do when she finds someone about who she can spew out, on the spot, > 3 things she loves about? I'm not even sure that sentence structure is correct! Bahahahah!

It hits a raw nerve when certain events that bring back bad memories happen. Especially if those events hurt us deeply. & we all have out triggers, sometimes we don't even realize we're being triggered until we're out of ammo & there's blood splattered all over the walls. Seriously! As much as I would love to be in my yogi state of mind 24/7/365, I do get lost in my emotions from time to time too!

Half the time it doesn't have anything to do with the other person's behaviour, & the trigger-happy one is like, 'rat-tat-tat-tat-tat' with their big ass machine gun while the other is hiding behind a larger-than-life Asian frying wok wondering 'What the fuck! What did I do???'

After the melee, once all battle-wounds have been healed, & hopefully those nasty bloody seeds removed; everything seems so childish & irrelevant. One understands the needlessness of it all.

'I have no control over your thoughts & behaviour, the only control I have is over my thoughts & my behaviour. Whatever position I am in in life, is a result of my actions & my choices. I offer you my love, regardless of what you give me in return. Unless it's 120% certified raccoon shit. In which case, I shall need to practice self-love. Because we both do not deserve anything other than our best.'

For real though, peoples. I've found out that making mistakes is actually a-okey. It shows that we are trying to do something, that we are evolving. But to not be able to humble oneself, or worse still, to not be able to admit to a mistake, demeans not only that person's greatness, but also their partner's; & that results in both people being held back from achieving the best versions of themselves - as individuals, & as a couple.

Sometimes, rough times are a necessary evil. 'A calm sea does not a sailor make.' The important thing is how we handle those rough times, what we learn from them, & that we do our best to never make the same mistake twice.

I once posted:

The joy of loving & being loved.

To find someone who resonates with you is tough enough.

To find someone who resonates with you & thinks the same as you is tougher.

To find someone who resonates with you, thinks the same as you, loves the same as you, and loves you back? What are the odds?

I am truly blessed.

Yes, peoples. It is true what they say: God (or if you insist on being hippie-whippie, The Universe) has grabbed both of your hands & joined them together, always be grateful. But never take anything for granted. Things can be taken away from you just as quickly as they were given to you. A mature relationship is never stagnant. Both keep growing, as individuals, & as a team. & for a team to win the game, there needs to be teamwork. The players need to constantly huddle up, revise their game plan & get back out there & kick ass. If he/she is worth it, he/she will be worth the effort. Ain't bat shit gonn be handed to you on a silver platter all the time. The Universe is full of gifts for you. But it is up to you what you do with those gifts.


1. I love his smile.
2. I love his wicked sense of humour.
3. I love his artistic genius. (To the point of bloody jealousy, actually, new blog post coming up, bahahahah!)
4. I love his sleeping face.
5. I love his grounded, yang energy.
6. I love his optimistic views.
7. I love his tattoos.
8. I love his passion for life.
9. I love his love for animals & all living beings.
10. I love that he takes care of his body.
11. I love that he is in touch with his spiritual side.
12. I love that he too can be a bitch at times.
13. I love his honesty.
14. I love his random craziness.
15. I love that he has done time at enough food outlets that he knows all the best recipes & how to recreate them, so I will be able to live the life of a tai tai without ever having to step foot into the kitchen. 'Honehhh, Imma hungrehhh! Get yo ass into dat kitchen, pronto!' *cracks horse whip*

Just kidding with that last one.

Do The Wave!

The way Mooji signed out of this video clip: Walk With Mooji Baba - Love Nourishes Everything really tickled me, because it instantly reminded me of myself, hahahahahah!

Gobuyan always makes fun of (amongst other things!) the little wave thingy I do when I answer & end video calls. I know my movements are generally peculiar, but I never realized just to what extent they are peculiar, & that even the seemingly simplest of gestures becomes weird when I do it! Bahahahahah! No wonder I'm struggling in contemporary dance class! LMAO!

Sometimes I wish Gobuyan had some idiosyncrasy or other that I could make fun of! Bah! Potong stim (buzz kill) lah! Hmphk!

As I finished writing this in my notebook, he called during one of his uber short breaks at work, & after about two minutes' polite conversation, this:

'Okey baby, I was just calling to check on you; how you feeling, you feeling good?'

'Arrrggghhh...Imma so hungrehhh...like a dirty Vietnamese in the jungle-seee...'

'Yeah, you're good. Talk to you later, okey, baby.'

'Hahahahah okey, bye..!'

See how this Human understands me? :P :P :P

P/S: The whole 'dirty Vietnamese' shenanigan is from one of my all-time favourite videos by Just Kidding Films - Pizza feat. Ricky Shucks. No racial slurs intended! We gots nothing but love for all our human brothers & sisters! <3

What's In A Name? A Nose, By Any Other Name, Would Still Smell.

Morcheeba - Rome Wasn't Built In A Day.

How did the rose ever open its heart

& give to this world all of its beauty?

It felt the encouragement of light against its being.

Otherwise we all remain too frightened.

- Hafiz -

Even from more than 13 000 kilometres (8000 miles) away, this Human who I have come to acknowledge as my other half has managed to fill that space in my life which no one else has ever succeeded in doing.

Will he be offended by me referring to him as 'this Human' most of the time? Maybe.

But then he also didn't like it when I first started referring to & occasionally calling him by his last name. Hahahahah..!

I understand the weirdness of that though. Heheh. I just thought to call him by his last name because those in my inner circle always call me by my last name instead of my first. Even my closest family members call me by my full name, every time! Strange but true!

Truth be told, I didn't know his real name until I gathered up the guts to ask, a few days (weeks?) after we had started talking on a regular basis. He was just some random guy who added me on Facebook (& I strangely accepted too; a very, very rare occurrence. Come to think of it, I don't think I have ever accepted any other stranger's friend request before or since then. But, more about this in another post!)

& he not knowing the concept of Chinese first & last names, called me Ee at first. I hate when that happens! Bahahahahahah! With some Westerners, even after I explain to them that my first name is Ee Lee, & not just Ee, they still insist on calling me Ee! Hahahahah!

When I was younger, I used to fancy being called Lee instead of my full first name. Somehow, that never really manifested, & I had totally forgotten about it. So it came as no surprise when he first addressed me as Ee, that I said if he wants to call me by just one syllable of my name, he can call me Lee.

It thrills me to the bone that I'm Lee only to this human who I adore so much. Heee...*insert soppy smile*

I also realized that, I've been avoiding using his first name because it makes me go all soft & mushy. Like somehow my Manomaya kosha (third sheath of the being) melts like ice cream on a hot day & subsequently flows down the tarmac. Heee... :D :P

It feels like it's too special a name to utter one too many times. Like, one can't say it too often, because it's that precious, & someone might come steal it from you.

What's in a name? That which we call a rose

By any other name would smell as sweet.

Romeo & Juliet, Act II, Scene II.

I know, I know! A name is just a name! But just let this woman go a bit off her rocker for once, will ya? Hahahahah!

Aaaanyways! So way off topic lah! Hahahahah!

This Human!

This Human who I have never met.

Brings out the best & the worst in me.

Like the poem says - the sunlight encouraged the rose to blossom. Though I think I'd rather be a peony, but then you get the main idea, don't you? :P

We all need that support & encouragement every once in a while. & when I am feeling down & not good enough, when I've had a rough day, this Human's sometimes annoyingly positive outlook does help. No matter how annoying it can get (misery loves company, plus I'm a recovering self-pity addict), his pep talks do create an impact on me, if not sooner, then later. & I've been needing this energy in my life - the 'up-&-at'em', 'get-up-show-up-work-your-ass-off' kind of daily grind.

Yeah, fair enough that as a yogi I should be all mellow & 'whatever happens, happens', but I have always believed that some amount of effort needs to be invested in order for us to live our purpose.

Now is the time for me to put nose to the grindstone, & I am grateful for this Human who inspires me more than he knows.

For God's sakes, I need to stop lavishing so much praise on him, lest he become big headed! But goddamnit sometimes I really get mindfucked by all these thoughts!

Someone more than 13 000km away? Is he a real person or am I just creating an image in my mind of who I think he is?

By the way, he once replied my statement, 'Sometimes I wonder if you are a real person,' with 'I am not a real person honey, sadly I'm just a singing frog from Puerto Rico living at local Hawaiian kitchens to survive'.

Geez. How can one resist that sense of humour! Hahahahahah!

Seed-Digging & Carcass Hurling.

This song I've just discovered from the musical Miss Saigon:

Lea Salonga & Simon Bowman - Sun & Moon

& because I couldn't make up my mind about which song to choose:

Ernie Halter - Angel

The reason I'm borderline obsessed with Elephant Journal is because there are always articles that I deeply resonate with, for example this one:

How To Comfort A Person, by Rebecca Lamerson

I do not know when exactly in my life I realized I have the ability to see people for who they are, instead of who they portray themselves to be.

All I know is that this annoys the shit out of me (not literally though, because if it did, I'd have to wear diapers all the time, & constipation wouldn't ever be a problem, bahahahahah!) when others can't see it for themselves. It doesn't happen a lot though, & especially not when I try to force it.

I did write about this subject a few months ago.

I feel like this time though, I have to stress that although I 'see', it does not mean I myself don't have my own bullshit & layers of garbage to sift through. In fact, I have issues that even I myself cannot comprehend at times.

& up to this year, I'd been drifting around, carrying this burden by myself. I realize now, it was a burden. Before, I always thought it was one of my purposes in life to uplift people, yet to remain unsupported, unnourished by anyone else; to be strong & figure things out by myself. Even those who attempted to get through to me, did not fully succeed. It wasn't anyone's fault; it's just that those who tried were not on the same frequency as I was. They saw an image of who they thought I was, instead of who I truly am.

Now I am truly blessed to have someone who sees me the way I've been seeing others. The way I see him. Even in the early stages of our relationship, I thanked him for allowing me the experience of being on the receiving end for the first time in my life.

& man, Imma tell you, to have someone see right through your shit, to know that 'yes, there is someone who gets me'; phwoar, that is one of the greatest. feelings. in. the. world. It was one of those 'if I died tonight, I die happy' moments. Dramatic, no? Not really. Not if for the past 30 years you've been telling yourself that it has been & will always be you & yourself against the world.

More often than not, seeing through someone's layers requires great courage, strength & patience. To understand the deep-seated reason behind a person's behaviour, & help them work to the core of it, to dig those seeds up & throw them out with the garbage; it's never an easy task.

It is natural for anyone to get extremely disturbed whenever we are confronted with our deepest fears. As Robert Frost perfectly put it: The only way out is through.

I always understood this concept of subconscious behaviours in my mind, but didn't know how to put it in words, until I attended Vipassana meditation earlier this year. From the time we are born, seeds are being planted in our subconscious mind, whether we like it or not. There are negative & positive seeds. & as time goes on, these seeds manifest themselves in our conscious - in our thinking, our behaviour; our relationships with ourselves & others. So it would make sense to remove these seeds instead of constantly having to chop down trees or pull out overgrown weeds.

Aha! But there is a catch! Because these seeds are so deeply ingrained in us, there is a heckuva lot of digging to be done before we can uncover & remove them. & as any seasoned gardener can tell you, digging requires a lot of hard work, & can sometimes be an unpleasant experience.


& you can never tell what sort of bullshit will be thrown around when all that seed-digging is taking place: find a dried-up piece of dog poop, fling it over ya shoulder. Lord knows which unfortunate soul it would end up hitting. Sometimes, even the person who is helping us dig gets thrown stuff! & even more unfortunately, it is that very same person who gets hit the hardest because they are, figuratively speaking, the one who is in closest proximity to us! Decapitated rat the cat brought in? Eugh, get rid of it! *boom* Hits our accomplice smack in the face.

Accomplice. I like that term. Hahahahah!

So yeah. The accomplice is always someone who truly loves the digger (for lack of better word, bahahahah!), & who has total faith that the digger will be able to uncover those seeds & rid them from his/her life, once & for all. The accomplice knows that their beloved needs support, strength & acceptance in order to complete the task. That being said, it also takes strength & courage on the digger's part to work diligently & to at times be vulnerable in the presence of the accomplice.

Heck, who the hell am I kidding. It takes a whole bloody lot of effort from both parties to reach that gotdang seed.

For the record, I'm not saying that you should stay in an abusive relationship because 'I'm helping him/her uncover her deep-rooted issues'.

NO!

The kind of relationship I'm talking about here is one where both souls are on the same frequency, or where one or both are ready to be raised to the next level. There is an unspoken mutual understanding that both will grow together. Some might call this the Twin Flame phenomenon. There are many, many more aspects to the Twin Flame phenomenon, 'cooperative seed-digging' being just one of them.

'Your partner is the mirror to your soul', & with the Twin Flames, even when one realizes that the other's behaviour is non-reflective of oneself, he/she is firmly-rooted & grounded enough to remain steady in the midst of the other's storms. Both parties know that even this too, shall pass. Most importantly, both are aware about the need to work out their own inner bullshit or help the other out, whichever is required at any given time.

Another thing is, the accomplice can never fast-forward the digger's progress. I myself experienced this, when I was being a bitch for more than a week to The Other Half, so much so that we broke up. The very next evening, it hit me in the third eye like a tonne of bricks that I'd been replaying my old thought & behavioural patterns. Despite what I was convinced of all that time, he was not fully to blame for all our arguments.

I'm just glad that he understands, & was willing to give us another try. I don't want to push my luck too far though. One of my many over-used mantras is: 'You are free to do as you choose, but you are not free from the consequences of those actions'. I doubt having decapitated rat carcasses thrown at you all the time is a fun experience, & I don't want him to drown under dead rodent bodies! If anything, he is such a beautiful person & I always feel bad for pulling him into my excavation site.

Being on the receiving end is also a very scary position to be in (no sexual puns intended...or are there..? *evil grin*), because for the first time in my life I am completely vulnerable. First of all, it is scary. Secondly, it is embarassing. My ego goes on autopilot. I can literally hear my ego rallying outrageously between my ears: 'All these years, I've always been the accomplice!', 'I don't need anyone to help me dig up my seeds!', 'I know where my seeds are, I can handle my own digging!'

That goddamn ego & false-self.

I am thankful that besides being my seed-digging accomplice, he also recognizes, acknowledges & encourages my strong points, even when I myself forget.

I am thankful that my accomplice knows when to push me to do better, & when to shut up (something I am still struggling to master!).

I am thankful to be blessed with the presence of my beloved.

We all come into this world alone, & we leave alone. But it definitely makes the ride so much better when you have someone riding with you.

Something.

This song that hasn't crossed my mind for yonks!: Elton John - Original Sin.

Something about this man.

Something about him that I cannot deny.

Something about him that I abhor, yet adore.

Something that annoys, yet endears him to me.

Something that binds me to him.

Something so magical about him.

Something so raw about us.

Something so sacred.

Something so familiar.

Something so pure, so relentlessly persistent.

Something about this man.

Something.

This Human.

Today's theme song: Tori Kelly feat. Ed Sheeran - I Was Made For Loving You

He brings joy to my heart just by looking at me in that special way.
Words can only say so much. Energy is everything.
Even on rough days, when I am determined to be in a foul mood, one smile from him & my world is turned around 180 degrees.

Seriously. It's not even funny. It's like my invisible shield has met its Kryptonite.

That smile. Oh God. I must have mentioned this a million times, it's starting to come off as insincere.
Even when we were just acquaintances, his smile was one of the first things that captured my heart.
I believe I've never seen a smile that bright.

We are the same, yet polar opposites in some ways.
The same amount of stubbornness we share; makes things challenging at times.

I will never forget the first time I heard him say 'I love you'. To his dog.
It gave me the courage to say the same to my cat.
Before that, it was something I always psychic-ly communicated to him, never verbally.
The cat, I mean.

Yes, this Human & I are weird like that.
But that's one of the things I love about us so much.

He shows me a different way of being.
Ways that have been buried deep within me, forgotten. Covered by the layers of earth society had kicked onto.

His accent has faded with time.
Yet his voice feeds my heart more than any genre of music can.

We are so similar, yet dissimilar.
So much grounded, balanced masculine energy.
It only accentuates the feminine in me.

Where is that tomboy I used to treasure so much?
She is slowly fading away.
Good riddance.

He doesn't make me want to be a better person.
I am a better person, because of him.
Because of all the little things that he doesn't even realize he's doing.
Because of all the things that he does realize he's doing.

He is the gardener I have been waiting for.
With proper tending to, the garden flourishes.
The right amount of fertilizer is given.
Adequate amount of hydration provided.
The vines are gently guided by a trellis, in order for them to receive the maximum amount of sunlight.
Weeds are removed.
Pruning is also necessary. Not too much though. Too much, & a plant can perish.

Did I mention his smile?
What about that wicked brand of humour?

This Human is so special to me.
He is everything I want in a man.
& everything I never knew I wanted.
Or needed.

In all his perfectly imperfectness, I love him.